"For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these,
-John Greenleaf Whittier It might have been.
Through my sophomore year in High School, I always saw a poster with that exact quote on the wall. It was during my English class, and everyday I remembered I would stare at it and take it in, and remember it and wonder if I would of ever live up to those words. If I would ever experience anything that could make those words true. Until last year, I didn't.
It was March, and I was still a Senior in High School and still very much broken hearted from my ex fiance leaving me. I didn't know what to do at the time with myself. I can honestly say I wanted to die. Die because I felt that death would erase all of these feelings. I was angry, sad, upset, confused, apathetic, everything that can be bad and sad I felt. I felt and I was enduring and dragging my feet to live. I didn't smile. I didn't want to breathe. I wanted to sleep, and sleep and dream of another life.
Until I met..him. It was funny really, I was browsing a site of mine that I posted on. He found my IM, and we just started talking. At first I wondered who could this be, but I wasn't doing anything special so I just talked to him. We had alot in common right off the bat, and he loved the band Within Temptation--which immediately grabbed my attention. Afterwards I mentioned to him that I was a singer and could sing like Sharon, and then he insist that he call me and I'd sing for me. I didn't find this creepy at all, I found it rather cute. He was flirting with me. And so we exchanged numbers, and talked all night and his voice was like music to my soul. It lifted every bit of sadness that I was trying to hide, and brought me an ounce of hope.
We talked all day the following day, only getting to know each other more and more and finally we decided to get into a long distance relationship. On the third day, we fell madly and deeply in love. It was a shock to me, I didn't know I'd fall in love so fast and more deeply than I was with my ex fiance. I wanted this man entirely and forever and he said the same about me. We had a couple of good months, and then some bad ones--distance is never a good thing. Broke up, got back together, on and off again. We kept running back to each other and trying to make it work, because deep in our hearts we really did love each other and truly did want to be together.
I remember how, in order to feel closer, we'd fall asleep together on the phone. I would turn off every light, and opened my window so I could hear the chill wind, and then his breathing on the other line. I would close my eyes and hug my pillow, and pretend it was him. On the very good days, I would actually feel myself laying on his chest. In the middle of the night I would wake up slightly to look to see if my phone was still on, and smile to see the heart picture next to his name, and then listen carefully for his quiet snores. I would smile to myself, and go back to sleep. Everything was perfect. Then in the morning I would call, and he would shyly ask if he had snored and then insisted he'd get snore cough strips soon.
One thing he did well, was that he pushed me. He pushed me to my hardest, and made me do my best. He was my pesonal cheerleader, and wouldn't let me give up on my dreams. All he wanted was for me to be happy. That was the one thing he always said to me, "Jen, all I want is for you to be happy." Then I would respond and say, "I'm only happy when I'm with you." Because it was true, it is true. He is everything that I am, and everything that I want to be. His smile is mine, his breathing flows through my lungs, and I can only see the world in color through his. He didn't understand this. I know, it sounds like I was dependant on him to be happy, and maybe I was. Maybe I still am?
I remember how on December 23rd, 2008 he was supposed to fly out and be with me for New Years and Christmas. But I broke up with him in November, after a really nasty fight and me being tired of crying every night. It wasn't fair. He was the only person that could make me happy, and make me entirely depressed. I couldn't go on that way anymore, and I knew in my heart I had to leave him. So I did. I was so sad, and depressed for weeks, hell, I still am. On December 23rd, I got ready and did my makeup, brushed my teeth, did my hair, and put on my best outfit and waited. I looked out the window, hoping to see a car drive up and to see him in the car to come to me. I for some reason felt he would still come after everything. He never showed.
It's impossible to forget him. He opened my eyes to so many new things. I can't listen to music without thinking of him, cause he was the one the showed me. I can't go outside and look at the flutter daisies, cause I remember that day when I was on the phone with him, looking at the flowers and admiring them. I can't lay down and sleep and close my eyes, without seeing his face burning inside my skull like a radiant fire that doesn't go out. I can't drive my car without have the urge to drive to Minnesota and telling him to marry me and go away with me. I can't do anything without thinking of him. I can't be with my new boyfriend without crying and dying inside, thinking how much I want him to be here in my arms. I can't fucking breathe thinking he is breathing at the same pace as me.
I can't do anything. I don't even want to do anything. I can't even forget his number because stupid me placed it into my long term memory. I can't do this life. I just can't. He was everything. Bloody everything in this world to me.
I feel pathetic. I feel lonely. I feel upset. I just need an answer, a way to forget him and move on and give someone a chance to have my heart. But I don't know how. I want to cry. I want to cry all day and all night and hope that he'd feel in his heart how much I need him. I wish he knew. Knew that I'd give up everything and anything to look into his eyes once more, or just to hear him say he loves me.
I still play his last, "I love you" in my head over and over again.
I know I have to get over him, and move on. But it's so hard. So fucking hard. He was all that I needed to justify my life. But I'll keep this one line that can make my life a bit easier, and will probably help me cope.
"I loved you enough, to let you go."
